4 SQUARE INCHES

Regular readers will note that most of my posts have a common theme, relating to firearms in some way. Either the guns themselves, or the laws that affect gun owners and the politicians that write the laws. So you'll have to forgive me for straying off the path a bit... this one is just too much to grind my teeth and ignore.

Today we were treated from a new revelation from musical artist Sheryl Crow. She's currently on some type of environmental tour with her friend and cohort Laurie David, a wealthy environmental activist. To pass the time, Sheryl has been writing down different ideas that occur to her - ways in which we can all save the planet.

Here's the one making the biggest news:

I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

4 Square inches per bathroom visit should suffice, except for "pesky occasions". One is left to wonder if it's double-ply. The idea itself is rather ludicrous, but I'd like to draw attention to one particular part: "I propose a limitation be put on how many...". Everyone catch that? A limitation, not a suggestion. How exactly would she propose we be limited in our paper usage? Will this be voluntary, or will there be a ration per-week based on family size? Will one have to apply for an exemption in the event a family member becomes stricken with stomach flu? Will one be able to purchase "toilet offsets" in the same manner than Al Gore has justified his electric bill?

But wait - Sheryl's not finished. Now that she's leaving behind all social rules regarding bathroom hygiene, she moves on to the dinner table:

I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

We're to continue saving paper by wiping our mouths (and runny noses when sick) on our sleeves. I'm not sure which is more disgusting - a person walking around with their head cold all over their sleeve, or the lack of cleanliness associated with their bathroom visits.

It's little wonder Karl Rove said "Don't touch me", when Sheryl reached out to touch his arm at the Annual White House Correspondents' Association Dinner earlier this week. If she's already experimenting with these strange ideas, I'd rather she not touch me either.

Perhaps her oncologist should schedule some tests for brain cancer...

Laurie David is a special case as well.

While (Robert Jr.) Kennedy admiringly calls her "relentless," others say she's over the top. "Laurie can be effective, but also heavy-handed and a browbeater," said one politically active Hollywood insider, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "She'll go so far as to say that people who drive SUVs are terrorist supporters. That turns people off."

Such criticism doesn't faze Laurie, who indeed produced a set of controversial 2003 television commercials that equated people who buy big SUVS with backers of terrorist training camps. This is a woman who's not afraid to chase down Hummer drivers so she can flip them off from the seat of her Prius.

This from a woman who regularly flies cross-county in a Gulfstream 200, using 1200-1500 gallons of fuel in the process. That's about equal to driving a one Hummer 15,000 miles in a year.

Now don't get me wrong: I have no problem with Laurie David flying around in a private jet, nor do I particularly care that she owns mansions on both the east and west coasts. I'm not bothered that Sheryl's last North American tour consisted of three tractor trailers, four buses, and six cars. And if Al Gore is happy with his 10,000 sq ft home, burning through 18,000+ kWh per month - hey, it's his money.

Here's what I have a problem with: the damned hypocrisy.

I live in a relatively modest condo, and drive a small Japanese car. I don't take a convoy to work, Sheryl. I don't pay $1200 electric bills every month, Albert. And Laurie - I fly on Delta.

When the three of you cut your "carbon footprint" down to the size of mine (without your Purchase Carbon Offsets scam), then you can begin to offer me suggestions on what I can do to stop destroying the planet.

Until then, shut the hell up.